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When “normal conflict” becomes something else

If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1. If you are afraid or in crisis, these services are available 24/7:

  • Assaulted Women's Helpline (Ontario): 1-866-863-0511  |  TTY: 1-866-863-7868
  • ShelterSafe — find a shelter near you: sheltersafe.ca
  • Alberta Family Violence Info Line: 310-1818
  • VictimLinkBC: 1-800-563-0808
  • Talk4Healing (Indigenous women, national): 1-855-554-4325
  • Neighbours, Friends and Families: neighboursfriendsandfamilies.ca
  • Dial 211 in most provinces for local crisis and shelter referrals.

One of the hardest questions to answer from inside a difficult relationship is also one of the most common: "Is this just a bad relationship, or is it abuse?"

Power imbalance and controlling behaviour often start subtly and build slowly, in ways that are hard to name. This is especially true when the person experiencing them has been told, repeatedly, that the problem is their own sensitivity, their memory, or their emotional stability.

By the time separation becomes real, many people have spent years doubting their own perceptions. Finding clear language for what they have lived through can feel almost impossible.

This page is here to provide that language. It explains what power imbalance, coercive control, financial abuse, and psychological abuse actually look like. It describes how these dynamics are now recognized under Canadian law. It also addresses the practical questions that follow: whether mediation is safe, how courts treat family violence in parenting decisions, and what safety planning looks like at the point of leaving.

Core emotional themes

People who are in an abusive relationship often have similar fears and feelings. Below we list some of the most common areas of concern:

Fear of retaliation

"If I leave, they'll destroy me." "They threatened to take the children." "They said they'll make sure I get nothing." This fear is not irrational. Research shows that approximately 75% of domestic violence homicides in Canada occur after separation or an attempt to leave. Threats of retaliation are real and must be factored into safety planning.

Fear of financial ruin

When one partner has controlled all money for years, provided only a small allowance, blocked employment, or even ran up debt in the other's name. then the prospect of leaving without resources is genuinely terrifying. No bank account, no savings, no credit history, no recent work experience. The financial dependency created by economic abuse is designed to make leaving feel impossible.

Fear of losing the children

"They'll convince the court I'm unstable." "They're already turning the kids against me." Abusers who are charming and strategic in public are frightening to face in a legal process. The fear that a court will believe a carefully constructed narrative over a lived experience is among the most common fears in high-control separations.

Feeling crazy

"Am I making this up?”, “Maybe I'm too sensitive. Maybe it's my fault." The systematic denial of reality as a control tactic, or gaslighting, leaves people genuinely unsure of their own memory and judgment. If you have been told for years that you overreact or imagine things, reading clearly about what gaslighting is can be both disorienting and profoundly clarifying.

Feeling trapped with no way out

"No one will believe me", "If I tell anyone, it will get worse." The sense of powerlessness and entrapment that coercive control produces is not a personal weakness, but the intended outcome of a deliberate pattern. Naming that clearly is where recovery begins.

Power imbalance in intimate relationships

Power imbalance occurs when one partner systematically holds and exercises more power and control than the other. This expresses itself not just in one argument or one area, but as an ongoing pattern that shapes the relationship itself. It creates inequality in decision-making authority, unequal access to money and information, fear-based compliance (where one partner agrees out of fear rather than genuine choice), and restrictions on the other partner's freedom and autonomy.

Power imbalance commonly draws from multiple sources simultaneously:

Economic: one partner controls all finances and uses money or resources as leverage

Social: isolation from family, friends, and support networks

Physical: intimidation through size, strength, physical presence, or history of violence

Psychological: gaslighting, constant belittling, exploiting mental health vulnerabilities

Immigration status: threats related to sponsorship, deportation, or withholding of immigration documents

Language barriers: limited English or French creating dependency on the controlling partner to communicate with the outside world

Health or disability: controlling access to medication, treatment, or medical appointments

Trauma history: deliberately triggering past trauma or attachment wounds to maintain control

Source: Crossroads Law — Coercive Control in Canada: A Comprehensive Analysis

Controlling behaviour: what it looks like

Controlling behaviour involves actions designed to dominate, restrict, and monitor another person's choices, movements, and autonomy. It tends to escalate over time and is rarely limited to a single form. Common patterns include:

Monitoring and surveillance — checking phones, emails, and social media; GPS tracking; demanding passwords; interrogating about whereabouts; showing up unannounced to "check"

Isolation — forbidding or sabotaging contact with family and friends; preventing work or education; moving to locations away from support networks

Financial and marital control — controlling all accounts; withholding money or providing only a small allowance; demanding receipts; blocking employment; running up debt in the other person's name

Constant criticism and belittling — repeated put-downs about intelligence, parenting, appearance, or abilities; humiliation in public and private; dismissing feelings and undermining achievements

Threats — threats to harm the partner, children, family, or pets; threats of suicide if the partner considers leaving; threats to destroy reputation; immigration threats

Rules and restrictions — enforcing rules about clothing, food, speech, or activities; dictating parenting choices; demanding permission for routine decisions

Coercive control and psychological abuse

What is coercive control?

Coercive control is a pattern of abusive behaviours used to control or dominate a partner or family member, creating subordination, dependency, and entrapment. The key word is pattern. Coercive control cannot be understood as isolated incidents; it is the accumulation of tactics over time that strips a person of their autonomy, their confidence, and their capacity for independent decision-making.

Canadian and international frameworks identify four core components of coercive control:

  1. Repetitive and continuous behaviour: describing an ongoing pattern, not one-off incidents
  2. Clear impact on the victim: feelings of fear and distress, psychological harm, loss of autonomy and freedom
  3. Intent of the perpetrator: a clear intention to control, dominate, or punish
  4. Personal connection: between intimate partners or ex-partners

Tactics of coercive control

  • Intimidation: threats, explosive anger, property destruction; using fear as the primary management tool
  • Harassment and stalking: constant calls and messages, following, showing up uninvited, using technology to monitor
  • Psychological abuse: repeated humiliation, degradation, gaslighting, and undermining of self-worth
  • Financial abuse: blocking economic independence; controlling access to money and resources
  • Trauma bonding: alternating love-bombing with cruelty; unpredictable cycles of reward and punishment that produce confusion, hope, and entrapment simultaneously

Canada's legal recognition of coercive control

In 2021, amendments to Canada's federal Divorce Act significantly expanded the legal definition of "family violence" to explicitly include patterns of coercive and controlling behaviour, not only physical violence. Courts are now required to consider family violence in every parenting decision. The expanded definition covers:

  • Physical and sexual abuse
  • Threatening behaviour
  • Patterns of coercive and controlling behaviour
  • Psychological abuse
  • Financial abuse
  • Harassment, including stalking
  • Threats to harm people, animals, or property
  • Failure to provide necessaries of life and forced confinement
  • Direct or indirect exposure of children to any of the above

This is a meaningful change. Abuse without visible injuries — including marital abuse that leaves no physical marks — now has explicit legal recognition at the federal level. Provinces including Ontario, British Columbia, and Alberta are integrating coercive control into their provincial family law frameworks as well.

One important gap remains: coercive control is not yet a standalone criminal offence under Canada's Criminal Code, unlike the UK where it has been criminalized since 2015. Canadian advocates are actively working toward this change.

Source: Justice Canada — Making Appropriate Arrangements: Family Violence and Parenting
Source: Canadian Women's Foundation — Policy Brief on Coercive Control (2023)

Gaslighting, emotional manipulation, and intimidation

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is the systematic manipulation of a person into questioning their own sanity: their memory, their perceptions, their emotional responses, and their grip on reality. It is among the most psychologically damaging forms of abuse because it targets the victim's ability to trust themselves.

Common gaslighting statements: "That never happened." "I never said that." "You're crazy." "You're too sensitive." "You're overreacting." "Everyone knows you're unstable." "You made me do it." The goal is always the same: to make the other person doubt what they know, felt, or experienced and ultimately to make them dependent on the abuser to interpret reality.

Techniques include: directly contradicting the victim's memory of events; trivialising their feelings ("it wasn't that bad"); withholding and pretending not to understand; using intermittent positive reinforcement (occasional warmth and praise) to prevent the victim from trusting their own assessment; and enlisting others in the false narrative. If you have been living with a gaslighting spouse, feeling unsure of your own experiences is a predictable outcome of a deliberate pattern. It is not a sign of instability, and it is reversible.

Source: MacLean Family Law — Gaslighting: The Secret Family Law Abuse

Emotional manipulation tactics

  • Guilt-tripping: making the victim feel responsible for the abuser's emotions and choices with phrases such as "After everything I've done for you...", and "If you loved me, you would...".
  • Silent treatment; withdrawing communication as punishment; emotional abandonment until the victim apologizes for the abuser's behaviour.
  • Threats of suicide or self-harm: "If you leave, I'll kill myself" is  emotional blackmail. It uses empathy as a cage. Staying in a dangerous relationship is not the appropriate response to this threat; contacting emergency services is.
  • Victim-playing: portraying themselves as the wronged party to gain sympathy and allies, including in legal proceedings.
  • Blame-shifting: "You provoked me", "Look what you made me do", deflecting responsibility so thoroughly that the victim ends up apologizing for the harm done to them.
  • Triangulation: introducing a third party (an ex, a mutual friend, the children) to create jealousy, competition, or conflict.

Intimidation

Intimidation is the use of fear as a tool of control. It does not necessarily require physical violence, some of the most effective intimidation involves no physical contact at all. Forms include: explosive, unpredictable anger that creates an environment of constant vigilance; property damage (punching walls, breaking belongings) that carries the implicit message "this could be you"; physical posturing (blocking exits, invading personal space); explicit threats to harm, take the children, or destroy reputation; and constant surveillance that creates the sensation of never being unobserved.

The psychological impact of sustained intimidation includes hypervigilance, chronic anxiety, panic responses, difficulty making decisions, depression, and Complex PTSD — a distinct trauma response associated with prolonged, repeated harm in intimate relationships. These are predictable neurological consequences of sustained threat, not character weaknesses.

Source: Cleveland Clinic - Complex PTSD

Financial control and economic abuse

How financial control shows up

Financial abuse is among the most effective forms of control because it creates material dependency, not just emotional dependency. Common patterns: one partner controls all bank accounts and credit; the other receives only a small "allowance" and must provide receipts for all purchases; they have no access to income information, tax returns, or financial statements; they are banned or actively sabotaged from working or studying; debt and loans are taken out in their name without knowledge or consent.

Source: Centre for Women and Children — Financial Abuse

Why economic abuse is so powerful

The financial dependency created by economic abuse is not incidental but purposeful. A person with no bank account, no credit, no recent work history, and no knowledge of the household finances cannot leave safely. There is no money for first and last month's rent, no money for a lawyer, no money for daily needs while getting established. The barriers to leaving are material and deliberate.

Long-term economic abuse causes lasting damage after separation: destroyed credit, employment gaps that affect future earning power, and unfamiliarity with managing money that makes the financial dimensions of divorce especially daunting.

Legal and practical responses

Canadian family law provides meaningful protections. Full financial disclosure is mandatory in all proceedings; courts can compel production of documents and impose significant penalties for non-disclosure. Transfers made to hide assets can be reversed. In higher-asset cases, forensic accountants can trace funds and reconstruct financial histories.

Practical steps to take when it is safe to do so: quietly gather copies of key financial documents (tax returns, bank statements, mortgage documents, investment statements, CRA notices of assessment). If safe, open a bank account in your own name at a different institution. Save small amounts over time where possible. Contact Legal Aid in your province, they prioritize domestic violence situations and provide services at no or reduced cost to those who qualify.

Source: Government of Canada — Plan Your Safety

Communication breakdown vs. abuse: what is the difference?

Normal though unhealthy communication problems

Not every difficult relationship is an abusive one. Many couples go through periods of poor communication and unresolved conflict without the dynamic crossing into abuse. In these relationships, both partners can generally express their views without fear of serious consequences. Power is relatively equal: both can influence decisions, disagree, and leave. Conflict is about specific issues, not about one person's right to exist as an autonomous individual. Resolution, even if slow, is possible.

When dynamics become abusive

The line into abuse is crossed when the pattern becomes one of domination, fear, and control: one partner consistently dominates all decision-making; the other complies out of fear of consequences, not genuine agreement; there is a clear and repeated pattern over time; there are punishments for non-compliance (anger, withdrawal of resources, threats, escalation); and the complying partner feels trapped, not free to disagree or leave safely.

The key distinction: In difficult relationships, both partners have a real voice, even in conflict. In abusive dynamics, one partner dominates through fear and consequences. The absence of physical violence does not change this.

Narcissistic and high-conflict spouses in divorce

High-conflict patterns: behaviour, not diagnosis

It has become common to describe a controlling spouse as a "narcissist", a person who displays a persistent pattern of self-centredness, entitlement, and lack of empathy. The term reflects a recognizable pattern, but courts and family professionals respond to specific documented behaviours, not psychological labels. For legal and practical purposes, it is more useful to focus on what the person actually does than on what diagnosis might explain it.

In practice, these patterns tend to cluster around three recognizable areas:

Emotional patterns

  • Extreme self-centredness and absence of empathy
  • Treating divorce as a contest to be won rather than a situation to be resolved
  • Chronic blame-shifting
  • All-or-nothing thinking, where the other party is either entirely good or entirely bad

Co-parenting patterns

  • Refusal to compromise regardless of the significance of an issue
  • Deliberate attempts to alienate children from the other parent

Legal tactics

  • Litigation abuse: filing repeated frivolous motions designed to exhaust and financially drain the other party rather than resolve anything on the merits

Why this makes process choices harder

Standard negotiation is often ineffective with genuinely high-conflict individuals because they are not participating in good faith. Mediation can be problematic for the same reason: a process built on good-faith negotiation does not function when one party uses it to intimidate, collect information, or perform cooperation for an outside observer while privately continuing pressure.

Co-parenting with a high-conflict individual often requires shifting to parallel parenting: a model where parents function as independently as possible with minimal direct interaction, structured handoff arrangements, and all communication through written channels (email or a dedicated co-parenting app) where everything is documented.

Documentation is critical throughout. Keep a written log of incidents, communications, and parenting-related events with dates and specific details. Focus on what was said or done and its impact, not on character assessments. This record becomes the factual basis for any court application and for any professional involved in your case.

Source: FamilyLLB — Divorcing a Narcissist in Ontario: Legal and Emotional Strategies

Safety, power imbalance, and process choices in divorce

Screening for family violence and power imbalance

In any power imbalance divorce situation, proper screening for family violence and power imbalance in any family dispute resolution process is an ethical and professional requirement. Responsible mediators conduct individual, private screening meetings with each party separately before any joint session, using validated assessment tools such as the MASIC, DOVE, or RIA instruments to assess:

  • history and severity of abuse;
  • patterns of coercive control, isolation, and financial control;
  • substance use and mental health factors;
  • history involving weapons or injury;
  • And vulnerabilities such as immigration status, language barriers, or disability.

Screening is an ongoing responsibility, not a one-time intake step. If new information emerges or the power dynamic shifts during the process, a responsible professional reassesses whether proceeding remains safe and appropriate. Ontario's Association of Family Mediators (OAFM) requires mandatory intimate partner violence and power imbalance screening as part of its professional standards, guided by Domestic Violence Death Review Committee risk factors.

Source: Ontario Association for Family Mediation  — Policy on Intimate Partner Violence and Power Imbalances
Source: Alliance of Canadian Research Centres on Gender-Based Violence - Family Violence & Family Law Brief

When mediation may work with safeguards

The presence of power imbalance or a history of emotional abuse does not automatically make mediation impossible, but it requires specific safeguards such as:

  • shuttle mediation (parties meet separately rather than face-to-face);
  • lawyers present or immediately available for consultation;
  • support persons accompanying the affected party;
  • all communication routed through the mediator;
  • a mediator with specific training in family violence dynamics.

The critical precondition is that the affected party feels genuinely safe enough to say "no": to pause, disagree, consult, and walk away from any agreement they are not comfortable with. If that safety is absent, the process is not appropriate regardless of other safeguards.

When mediation is not appropriate and court is needed

There are circumstances where mediation and collaborative processes are not safe: 

  • recent or escalating physical violence;
  • active threats or stalking;
  • fear that cannot be managed even with physical separation;
  • a history of using disclosed information as a weapon;
  • and situations where participating in the process itself creates risk.

In these cases, the court system provides protective mechanisms such as restraining orders, supervised parenting arrangements, and judicial oversight. Legal Aid in every province prioritizes domestic violence situations for eligibility.

You should never feel pressured into mediation. If anyone is telling you that you must mediate, or that going to court is automatically worse for you, you are entitled to get an independent legal opinion before agreeing to anything. Your safety and genuine ability to participate come first.

Impact on children and parenting orders

How courts treat family violence in parenting decisions

Under the 2021 Divorce Act amendments, courts are required to consider family violence, including coercive control and psychological abuse, when making any parenting order. Courts weigh:

  • the nature, seriousness, and frequency of the violence;
  • how recently it occurred; 
  • whether it was directed at the child or witnessed by the child;
  • the impact on the child's and victim parent's safety and well-being;
  • whether the person who engaged in family violence has taken meaningful steps to address it;
  • and the ongoing risk if parenting time or decision-making authority is granted as proposed.

In practice, serious findings of family violence have resulted in: supervised parenting time through a third party or a supervised access centre; restrictions on or denial of decision-making authority; requirements for supervised exchange services; and in the most serious cases, limited or suspended contact pending safety assessments or completion of treatment.

Source: Justice Canada — Emerging best practices: Parenting arrangements in family violence cases

Documenting family violence for legal proceedings

If family violence has occurred and parenting arrangements are in dispute, documentation matters. Keep a written record of incidents: dates, descriptions, witnesses, photographs if relevant, and any medical or police records. Keep records of threatening or controlling communications — do not delete them. Note incidents involving the children directly or incidents that they witnessed. Share this record with your legal advisor.

In legal documents, describe specific behaviours rather than using psychological labels. "On [date], he threatened to take the children if I spoke to my sister" is more useful than "he is a narcissist." Courts respond to documented conduct. Concrete and specific is more persuasive than general and characterizing.

Safety planning

Leaving a controlling relationship requires planning not because you need to justify leaving, but because the period around separation carries the highest risk. As indicated above, about 75% of domestic violence homicides in Canada occur after separation or an attempt to leave.

Here are some of the ways you can protect yourself:

  • Identify emergency contacts you trust who can respond quickly if needed.
  • Identify safe places you can go immediately (a shelter, a family member's home, a friend whose address your partner does not know).
  • Quietly gather copies of important documents: ID, passports, birth certificates, SIN cards, financial records, and any existing legal documents.
  • Set aside emergency funds if possible in an account your partner cannot access.
  • Establish a code word with trusted people that signals you need immediate help without alerting the abuser. If appropriate you may share this with older children as well.
  • Do not tell the abusive partner of your plans to leave in advance.
  • If leaving alone is unsafe, then contact a shelter or advocate first.They have expertise in coordinated, safe exits.
  • Consider requesting a police escort when leaving to collect belongings.
  • After leaving: change locks if you remain in the home; change all passwords (email, banking, social media, phone); disable shared location services; apply for a restraining order  if there is ongoing risk

Source: Government of Canada — How to plan for your safety if you are in an abusive relationship
Source: Neighbours, Friends and Families — Safety Planning for People who Experience Domestic Violence

Digital safety

If you are using shared devices or accounts, or if your partner monitors your technology, use a device they can’t access to research options and contact services, such as a library computer or a trusted friend's phone. Clear browser history after researching sensitive topics on a shared device. Shared cloud accounts, location services, and some parental control apps can all be used as surveillance tools. Communicate with a lawyer, shelter, or support service from a separate device wherever possible.

Recovery and healing after psychological abuse

Healing from coercive control and psychological abuse is not linear, and it does not happen quickly. The impact often persists well after the relationship has ended. These are the consequences of sustained, deliberate harm, and they require sustained, deliberate support.

Trauma-informed therapy is the most effective framework. Approaches specifically relevant to complex trauma and psychological abuse recovery include:

  • Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), which processes traumatic memories directly;
  • Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT), which addresses distorted thought patterns installed by the abuse;
  • Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), which builds emotional regulation and distress tolerance;
  • Internal Family Systems (IFS), which works with the fragmented sense of self that prolonged manipulation produces;
  • and somatic approaches that address the nervous system dimension of trauma.

Look for a therapist who specifically describes their practice as trauma-informed and has experience with intimate partner violence or narcissistic abuse recovery. The Psychology Today Canada directory allows filtering by specialty and location. Employee Assistance Programs may cover initial sessions; community mental health centres offer sliding-scale fees.

Source: Sered Psychotherapy — Narcissistic Abuse Therapy

A note on process choices when safety is a factor

People leaving relationships where power imbalance, coercive control, or abuse has been present often wonder whether any collaborative process such as mediation could be right for them. The answer is that it depends, and the right answer requires independent legal advice, careful professional screening, and safety as the first and non-negotiable criterion.

When properly structured some people in these situations find that a structured process gives them more control over the outcome than adversarial litigation would. However, it requires rigorous screening, a trained professional, and appropriate safeguards, and only works if the victim is given a genuine ability to say "no".

If you are uncertain whether a collaborative process is appropriate for your situation, a free introductory meeting is available. There is no commitment, and the conversation is designed to give you information, not to push you toward any particular path. Your safety and your informed participation come first.

Book a Free Introduction Meeting

Canadian resources

If you are in immediate danger: Call 9-1-1. If you cannot speak, dial 9-1-1 and stay on the line.

Crisis lines and shelters:

Safety planning:

Legal help:

Therapy and recovery:

Mediation with Intimate Partner Violence screening standards:

Frequently asked questions

At Fairway, we understand that facing a divorce is daunting, bringing mixed emotions and many questions. We are committed to ensuring that you have the knowledge and tools to move through the process in a way that protects your assets and your children.
See All Frequently Asked Questions

Power imbalance is an ongoing pattern where one partner systematically holds more control over decisions, resources, and the other's freedom. This is done with a combination of methods, including financial control, isolation, and psychological tactics. It produces compliance based on fear rather than genuine agreement, which is fundamentally different from the normal give-and-take of a relationship.

Key indicators are: 

  • you feel afraid to express opinions or disagree without serious consequences;
  • you monitor your own words and behaviour to avoid triggering their anger;
  • you doubt your own memory and perceptions;
  • their moods and reactions shape your daily functioning. 

These are not signs of a difficult relationship — they are signs of sustained psychological abuse.

Gaslighting is the systematic manipulation of a person into doubting their own memory and sense of reality through denial, contradiction, and blame-shifting. Common examples include phrases like: "That never happened." "You're crazy." "You're too sensitive." It is a deliberate control tactic, not ordinary denial or defensiveness.

Yes. The 2021 Divorce Act amendments define "family violence" to include patterns of coercive and controlling behaviour, psychological abuse, financial abuse, and harassment — not just physical violence. Courts must consider family violence in all parenting decisions. Coercive control is not yet a standalone criminal offence under the Criminal Code, though advocates are working toward that change.

It depends on severity and safeguards. Properly screened mediation with a trained mediator may be possible in some situations. Where there is active violence, ongoing threats, or fear that cannot be safely managed, court-based processes with legal protection are more appropriate. You should never be pressured into mediation if you do not feel safe to participate genuinely.

Under the 2021 Divorce Act, courts must consider family violence in every parenting order. Findings can result in supervised parenting time, restricted decision-making authority, supervised exchanges, and in serious cases, limited or suspended contact. The primary considerations are the safety of the child and the safety of the victim parent.

Financial abuse is recognized in Canadian family law. Full financial disclosure is mandatory: courts can compel documents and penalize non-compliance, and  improper asset transfers can be reversed. Legal Aid provides priority service for domestic violence situations. Women's shelters and family violence advocates can connect you with emergency financial resources, housing, and legal referrals at no cost.

Safety planning before leaving is essential. 

  • Identify safe emergency contacts and a safe place to go;
  • gather copies of key documents quietly;
  • set aside emergency funds if possible;
  • establish a code word with trusted contacts;
  • do not tell the abusive partner in advance;
  • contact a shelter to help coordinate a safe exit if leaving alone is unsafe.

After leaving: 

  • change locks,
  • change all passwords,
  • and apply for a restraining order if there is ongoing risk.

Dial 211 for local resources anywhere in Canada. Contact your provincial family violence crisis line: Assaulted Women's Helpline in Ontario (1-866-863-0511), Alberta Family Violence Info Line (310-1818), or VictimLinkBC (1-800-563-0808). Visit ShelterSafe.ca to find a nearby shelter. These services are confidential and available 24/7.